Oh, bully! And here I thought I was gonna be the last guest to arrive. My friends call me the colonel. You're welcome to do the same, should it please you.
But, uh. After you. Ah, bonjour! Welcome to markiplier manor. Your invitation, please. Very good, very good. Right this way. Good luck at the table tonight.
I shall fetch you a drink forthwith. Oh! There you are, old friend. How are you settling into your new office? Now I know it'll take some getting used to, but there's no one I would rather have alongside me to protect this great city of ours.
Now, i'll see you at the table soon, but try not to rob me blind again. We'll catch up. If you're looking for hors d'oeuvres, i'll get 'em when i'm good and ready! And stay out of my kitchen! Now, now.
Let's not be rude to our guest. So sorry about that. Here's your champagne. Enjoy your evening. Welcome, welcome, one and all! My name is markiplier. Thank you for joining me on this auspicious evening. So good to be surrounded by such close and trusted friends.
Now, this evening, it's not all about the poker. It's not all about me. It's about you. So drink up and be merry! Life is for the living! And who knows? I could be dead tomorrow.
Ah, good morning. Hope you've had a good night's rest. I've prepared for you a seltzer with cocaine. Best thing for the morning after, if you ask me. Ah, there's our little monster! You really knocked 'em dead last night.
I haven't seen you go wild like that since our days at university. Good to let the beast out every once in a while, eh, old friend? Then again, i'm-i'm still not exactly sure as to what we're supposed to be celebrating here.
I mean it's good to have the gang back together, but. Out of the blue like this seems. Anyway, now is not the time to become conspiratorial. Life is ours to choose, as I always say.
I have some work to finish, but i'll meet you at breakfast. We'll all catch up soon. Did anyone hear that lightning? Oh my god! There's been a murder! Excuse me, did you hear light—oh my god murder! Did you—? Muuuurder! What the hell happened here? Who's in charge around here? Trick question: that guy.
And he's dead now, which makes me in charge. So you better listen up good, bucko. 'Case you haven't been paying attention, there's been a bit of a. Killin'.
And you're my prime suspect! So you better get to explaining right quick as to the what, where, when and why you happen to be here upon this man's death! Sir, the body is cold.
He's been dead a while. (Chuckles) a likely story! That I happen to believe completely. All right, you're off the hook for now, but i'm a detective, and— oh, yeah? Prove you're a real dick! Here's my badge.
Asshole. Those are my old partners. Don't ask me about them. Fine! I'll tell you. Each one of them died. Each death more tragic than the last.
A few of them even died in ironically hilarious ways. Which made it all the more tragic. But hey, you look like you're up to the task.
You're my new partner. (Laughs) that's what all my old partners used to say. Right before they died. All right. Hand me that fingerprinting kit behind you, partner.
Thanks, partner. What the hell happened here? Oh! Mr. Mayor. I'm so sorry. There's been a murder. A murder? Who? It's mark. I'm afraid he's telling the truth.
Mark's been. Killed. Why? Who would do this? That's exactly what me and my new partner here are here to find out. Um, excuse me. I feel like we should call the authorities for them to handle this matter.
Look, buddy, as far as you're concerned, I am the authorities. The fact of the matter is, I believe the killer is right here amongst us in this very house. With that freaky lightning storm outside, none of us would get very far, anyway.
So, in the meantime, we're stuck here. But i'm gonna get to the bottom of this. The rest of you, get back to your rooms, hunker down, and pray to god you're not next to be murdered.
I'll.I'll check on our other guests. I'll get back to cooking. All this death made me hungry. I.I-i need to talk to the colonel about this.
All right, partner. It's time to get to work. Judging by the temperature of the body that I measured rectally, which is obviously the most accurate way to get the inner body temperature of a corpse.
That's a fact, totally procedure. Don't tell anyone I did it. I am sure mark was killed around 1: 30 a.M. Last night. So what were you doing at 1: 30 a.M.
Last night? I'm gonna ignore the strange fact that you sleep with your eyes open. But it checks out. So, we need to figure out where everyone was and what they were doing around that time or, at the very least, who saw mark last.
You need to get out there. See if you can piece together the story of what happened last night. I'll stick around with the body and run more.
Tests. (Deep sniff) how can you be so flippant? Flippant! I'm taking this matter very seriously. Oh, don't give me that horseshit! I know you hated him, but. Goddammit, he reached out to you! Oh, what do you want from me? Wh—i want you to care! Just because i'm not weeping like a child doesn't mean that I don't care.
I can't believe you. You come find me when you pull your head out of your ass! Excuse me. Damien, I don't—oh! Ah! Good to see you again! You were quite the rapscallion at last night's festivities.
But you're probably here to help the detective with his " investigation of murder." anyway. I'll help you, i'll tell you what happened to our dear friend mark. " oh, look at me! My name is markiplier now!" " forget all my friends or the people that helped me along the way; just look at my money!" " oh, I need to pay people to be my friends! Ha ha ha! You like me? Too bad!" " oh, glug glug! Oopsie poopsie! I can't hold my booze.
Gotta go off to the little boys' room. Who wants to join me?" " i'm gonna go there upon my stairs. My house has more than one staircase." " oh, look at me and how great I am!" " oh no, i'm falling! Aaah, i'm dead." and that's what happened.
Probably, anyway. So, if you need to corroborate this story with anybody else, just be on your way and investigate the entire house.
Go now. I'll be here when you're done. Come with me. I need to show you something. Now, if you're looking for answers, there's really no mystery at all. There's not a single detail of this house that i'm not privy to, and not a single guest that I have not personally vetted.
Now I warn you: what you are about to see is not for the faint of heart. A domain of evil this is. But in we must go. You first. Avert your eyes! I'm so sorry you had to see this! Master would be so displeased! If only he were still alive! (Loud sobbing that gradually fades) I thought I told you to stay out of my kitchen! Oh.
You're helping that dick with his little investigation, huh? Well, I might look like a sweet and innocent man, but some people with short lifespans might think otherwise.
I can't imagine why, can you? Last night, after I got rid of all of the evidence. Of that delicious meal I prepared, and wiped down all the fingerprints.
From those filthy dishes. And sopped up all that blood. I retired to my room at 1: 00 a.M. And left my little buddy in charge, like I always do. He sees everything.
Why don't you ask him what happened last night? Abe! mark! Good to see ya. Great to see ya. Look, i'll cut right to the chase.
Chef, butler, good? Chef's an asshole, but he's clean. Butler, he's a chill guy, also an asshole, but he's also clean. Well, I wouldn't have it any other way.
(Sighs) look, i'm sorry you saw that argument with the colonel. I lost my temper, and it wasn't right and. He must be in shock. The colonel's an eccentric; it's his best quality and his worst.
But he's my friend, and. So was mark. I know i'm supposed to be a leader in this scenario, but I can't help but feel lost! I've known mark for years, since we were kids! And he's just gone? I don't have any answers right now.
I just need to be alone. To process all of this. We'll talk soon, but I need to think. Hey! Partner! Get over here, now! Hurry up! You're not gonna believe this; I can barely believe this! The body: it's gone.
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