Ed V. Airplanes

-: do yourself a favor. Do not get on another airplane until you've watched this video. (Delightful music) i'm ed herman and i'm an attorney with the law firm brown & crouppen, and I fly a lot and i've developed a whole series of rules that are gonna make your flying experience better than ever.

(Ding) first thing, don't recline your chair. Do me a favor. Can you recline your chair? Yeah go ahead. Yeah, I know you're sleeping, that's fine. You see what happened there? Now he went back three inches.

He doesn't look any more comfortable now than he did before, but look at the guy behind him. (Buzz) see, now that guy now, he's been invaded.

I don't like it when a person goes down. It's like they want me to massage their temples. I don't care if you put your head all the way in my lap, i'm not gonna massage your temples.

(Ding) nobody likes being in the middle seat. So how 'bout this for a rule? Whoever gets the middle seat, should automatically get both arm rests in the middle.

Look at this guy. He's all set. Then look at her. I got nothin'. I want the arm rests. Why is it a given, that whoever has the window seat gets to determine whether the shade is up or down? That sun's spillin' right across.

Lets agree, if you're in a row of three, how 'bout a vote? Is that alright? -: Yeah i'm fine with that. -: I vote we pull the window shade down. -: Down.

-: Down. -: I say up. -: See now you're outvoted. That's the thing. Go ahead and. See but it worked and that's the point. Two out of the three of us are happy.

(Ding) you know for me, every flight is broken into two halves. B.S. And a.S. Before snack and after snack. I anticipate that snack so much, it's as if i've never eaten anything before in my life.

The thing with these snacks. Thank you. These are things I would never, ever buy in the supermarket. This is some kind of a veggie, wheat crisp and on a plane, they're delicious.

They're like the greatest thing i've ever eaten in my life. I would never buy these at a store, ever. Truth be known, if it were up to me, I would always ask for two bags, but see when you're a bigger guy, you can't do that 'cause I can't take the judgment.

This guy's a skinny guy. If he wants to ask for two snacks, he can get two snacks. Look at this. They think oh poor skinny guy and let the guy eat.

Me? There's oh you. I'm lucky to get the bag I get. (Ding) I very rarely ever fall asleep on planes, but once in a while, i'll doze just a little bit and it'll be right while they're taking drink orders.

Then you wake up and you look around and they both have their beverages and i'm thinkin' well why didn't anybody wake me? I wanted a beverage. It's a sick feeling.

If I fall asleep, during the beverage order, you wake me up. I don't care if it looks like i'm in the middle of a dream. Speaking of beverages on a plane, can somebody explain to me why so many people drink tomato juice on airplanes? I mean I would understand if they were having a bloody mary, but they're literally ordering tomato juice.

You never drink it in real life, but on an airplane people just drink tomato juice. It's the same as doin' gingerale.

I mean if gingerale and tomato juice were so popular, why can you not get either one at a mcdonald's? Think about it. Now the moment on the flight that I fear the most, and this is, I fear this more than I fear crashing, is when I have to pass that precariously full cup of soda over to the person sitting on this side of me.

They fill it so close to the brim, and then that one move, because you got to realize, this might be the only pair of pants I brought with me. These things go down, I got nothin'.

The nightmare scenario is that this person over here orders a cup of hot coffee and I got to sit there, and they don't put a lid on it.

Two minutes ago, these same people told me that I needed to keep my seatbelt on 'cause at any minute the plane can start shaking, and yet they're passin' hot coffee over me with no lid.

What is the deal with people bringing full meals onto airplanes? I mean, look at this guy. He's sitting there with some kind of eggy, sausage sandwich and hash browns.

She brought yesterday's chinese food in here. She's got chopsticks. Listen, I can't smell this on a plane. Let's just all agree to what I call the turkey rule.

If you need to eat something on an airplane, just bring a plain turkey sandwich. Everybody can eat a turkey sandwich and it doesn't smell. (Dog barks) you know it's getting really popular for people to bring these comfort dogs on the plane with them.

There's a lot of people out there, that are complaining about this, comfort dogs. But you know what, i'd like to complain about the people complaining about them.

'Cause look at this dog. This dog is adorable. This is bringing comfort to everybody. What are we now? Aw, look at that. See, and if you're really good, sometimes a person will actually let you hold their little comfort dog and now I have comfort.

Is it appropriate to be amused watching a fellow passenger struggle to get their bag in the overhead? Yes! Enjoy yourself, it's hysterical! (Slow motion deep laugh) but on the inside. Sadly i've been that guy many times.

The problem is not the bag, it's the pockets. You over stuff these pockets, that's why it's not fitting. But there are a few things in life better than that, triumph and feeling again when you get it in there.

You take that victory gaze over all of the people that doubted you. You know i'll be at baggage claim and i'll be in an uber. Okay, you know how at night time it's so nice? They turn off all the lights, and you think you know what? I might actually get some relaxation here.

Then you get one person who puts that little spotlight on, so they could read a magazine that they would never read in real life.

You're ruining this for everybody. You know, it could be three rows up, it's still distracting me 'cause my eye, it's drawn.

It's drawn to the light like a moth. Simultaneously, the best and the worst moment of the flight is that instant right after touch down. (Screech) all of a sudden, you know you're happy you're on the ground but you're like my god! How fast are we going? Do you realize how fast we're going? That's fast! (Ding) at southwest airlines, we all know it's open seating.

So here's a couple tips for keeping the middle seat open. The first thing is, if you're traveling with somebody you know, never acknowledge that you know them because if someone's walking down the aisle, they're gonna ask for your middle because they know there's a good chance one of you is gonna slide over to the middle and then they're actually gonna get an aisle.

I don't know this guy. He's my son, but I don't know him. See, now he's gonna make believe he's sleeping. See how he spreads that leg and he's kind of invading that province of that middle seat? I go like i'm already falling asleep.

I let just enough of my butt fat slide into the middle seat. It makes this area very inhospitable. That's the last middle seat that's gonna go on the plane, I promise you.

While everybody's coming to their seats, you just do one of these little motions and then the second you see that everybody's sitting down, you got a neck rolled pillow and a blanket and you're comfortable for the rest of your flight.

Its evil, but it works. If a person doesn't want to sit next to a beautiful baby, they don't deserve the middle seat. (Ding) so did you learn something? If you learned something, put it in the comments.

If you want to teach me something, put that in the comments. I appreciate it. If you haven't been watching ed versus, consider yourself half a man. (Laughs).

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