The Moments I Realized I Was Going Blind...

Hey guys, its molly here again for another video. And today's another blind girl story time but today is different than the other stories i've done because this is more like a collection of short stories and as you can see from the title I actually don't know what i'm titling this, but it will be something about kind of like the moments in my childhood that I realized I was different or that I realized I had a disability, that I realized I was going blind.

That kind of theme of things. I will leave my other blind girl storytimes down below in a playlist and update on one of those stories i've told about my nose: when I had that major accident and I was talking in that video about how I need to go see a doctor to check out kind of like this lump that's forming.

I went today and I will need to see a plastic surgeon about possibly getting that lump removed. It's a lump that is like made up of tissue, not cartilage which is what I thought it was but it's tissue that can apparently form in any suture area and they said it can grow over time and get bigger over time so you need to get it removed so.

Now I know what it is and that apparently it's totally normal for people who get stitches and that mine just happens to be in like a kind of awkward spot that you would need to get it removed.

So that's an update on that and if you have no idea what i'm talking about just go watch that video. Anyways without further ado i'm just gonna jump right into these stories.

So the first one took place when i was about 4 or 5 years old. Probably about 4, I would say 4. Before I jump into the stories i'm also going to mention that i'm going to link down below my rp video: living with rp which is the eye disease I have.

That video I know it's really really long but so many of the questions you probably have are answered in that video about my vision loss journey because yes, I lost pretty much total vision at 14 but I was never totally sighted.

I was always considered legally blind which I believe is 20 / 200. I've always been completely night blind or totally blind in dim and dark lighting so those kind of things.

My eyes have always shaked the way they shake now due to my nystagmus, so all of those things will help you to understand what i'm talking about in these stories so i'll link that below, go watch it if you want to.

Anyways first story probably took place when I was around four years old and my family's house backed onto another person's house so our back fence had a gate in it that went to somebody else's backyard and we were really good family friends.

They also had little kids that were just a little bit younger than my brother and i. We would always go over and they would babysit us and they would come over and my parents would babysit them and anyway. yeah.

So I was kinda like the woman who lived in the house was named nicole and nicole had three boys and so I was kind of like her daughter so I would go over and she would just do girly things with me, I just have so many fond memories of being at that house I used to love eating ritz crackers and marble cheese at nicole's house that was the most bomb snack when I was three or four.

Anyways, so this day she decided she was going to french braid my hair and she french braided my hair in her bedroom which was very dim. It was very dimly lit and for me growing up pot lights were always the best form of lighting so I was always light sensitive to outdoor lighting and I was always struggled to see in dim and dark lighting so her bedroom really didn't have I don't think.

It's almost like in a hotel room where it doesn't have any ceiling lights, like it only had lamps which was always made it very difficult for me to see because it wasn't like coming down casting on the room, it was light just like dispersed throughout so it didn't really light the room up to where it was good for me to see so I could pretty much not see anything in her room and this is either right before I was diagnosed or right when I was diagnosed but i'm pretty sure it was right before I was diagnosed because my parents have a lot of stories of me at nicole's house and me being like I can't see it and everybody trying to explain to me that like yes you can see it because they legitimately didn't know that I really could not see it and so this is one of those situations where I don't think I had been diagnosed, it was probably just before my diagnosis, and I was in her room and she french braided my hair and she sat me in front of her big mirror and she held a smaller mirror behind my head and she was like " do you like it?" and I was like " I can't see it" and I literally you guys this is such a vivid memory in my head.

Like it's so vivid to me this day and i'm like " I can't see it" and she's like " what do you mean?" so she's like tilting the mirror different ways and she's like " can you see it now?" " no" " can you see it now?" " no".

Literally she's just like tilting this mirror and readjusting me and i'm like " no, I still can't see it" and so she's like " oh, it's so strange" so she brings me into her bathroom and it did have better lighting and she put the mirror behind me and sat me in front of her bathroom mirror and she was like " can you see it?" and I was like, I remember thinking in my head 'just tell her you can see it' because I was getting to the point where I realized that she just really wanted me to see it.

She just really wanted me to say it looked pretty and I loved it so I remember sitting on that bathroom counter in front of the mirror and having her behind me with with the smaller mirror and just being like " yeah it's great I love it" like and i still didn't see it but it's like at that age I it was like this moment of realizing that like i'm not seeing something others are telling me i'm supposed to be able to see and that's like all those times in the dark when people -- like when I would say " I can't see" and they'd be like " no", you know, they'd explain to me, they would literally try to explain to me " we know you can't see the same as you do during the day but nobody can, you only see kind of shadows and outlines of things" and me being like 'i don't see any of that', like just being so confused.

I just have all these moments as a kid of, of those kind of things that was like either me realizing that i'm not seeing something the way i'm supposed to or realizing that like I just need to pretend I do to make these adults around me happy and less concerned and so the second moment was after i'd been diagnosed and I was having all of these like special teachers at school that were there just for me like my vision itinerant or my educational assistant who would be in the classroom to basically sit beside me and assist me or just like making things accessible, accommodating my condition.

Whatever. And i went home from school, I believe it was grade one, and I asked my mom and dad " why am I different?" like why do I have this special teacher that's in class with me? why am I so different from the other kids, what's wrong with me?" and after my diagnosis you know my parents, my doctors teachers, they never told me anything was wrong with me, they never told me I was different because they didn't want me to feel different, they didn't want me to start acting like I was different, they basically wanted me to feel like I was just like any other kid so that I wouldn't have to worry and I could go about living my life like I was any other kid. and for my parents that was that moment that they realized like 'oh no, she knows, like she knows something's different' and how was I not going to with the special teachers there just for me and me writing with a black marker instead of a pencil like everybody else in my class.

Or me having a special white board instead of looking at the chalkboard like how was I not to realize but I do appreciate that everybody was trying to shelter me from feeling different and from having to live this life of like being a different disabled person.

So yeah, it was just, yeah i remember, like I remember sitting in school in grade 1 and just be like 'i'm different' and looking at all these other kids and realizing like they don't have this teacher here with them and they're writing on white paper and i'm writing on cream colored paper because cream colored paper hurt my eyes less than the glare on the white paper so just like all these things, you know.

And then the final story is when I was in grade 3 and I was sitting in the car, we had this dark green like forest green minivan, a mom van and I was sitting in the backseat, my mom was driving me home from school and we had one of my friends in the backseat with me and she turned to me and she was like " why do your eyes shake?" and I was so confused because I never knew my eyes shook.

And my eyes shaking, like that's the first thing that sent me to the hospital at six months old so literally like they've always shook and i just never knew it because for me I thought everybody's world kind of shook a little bit like I had never seen it not like that so I didn't realize that other people's worlds weren't like that and I could never really see enough to be able to look in the mirror and look at my eyes shaking or just I mean at 8 years old, like you don't spend a lot of time sitting in front of the mirror.

So i just had never had that experience of looking at myself and seeing it and seeing that was different than other people's eyes so I literally never knew that they were shaking and my mom was in the front seat and she had to try to start trying to explain to me because I was like " what do you mean, my eyes don't shake" my mom's like " well, actually they do" and had to try to explain this to me and ever since then my friend who was a dancer at the time and I was a dancer as well and she's like " oh it's kinda like your eyes are dancing".

And my mom's like " exactly, her eyes dance just like you guys do" and so growing up my parents always called them my dancing eyes whenever anybody would ask about it I would just say " oh they're my dancing eyes, my eyes just dance" and I don't know, I think that's really cute, dancing eyes.

So if you also have nystagmus and your eyes shake, you just have dancing eyes and that's like the best way to explain it to children is they're just dancing eyes.

My eyes just like to dance, so that's still what i'll use when I try to explain it to little kids. My eyes just like to dance. So anyways those are kind of like the three moments of my childhood when, when I kind of started realizing I was different or there was something wrong with me. anyways, it's a good thing it's over.

Thank you so much for joining me for another video. I'm sorry if i'm like kind of low energy or if this was not the most interesting video, i'm actually not well, it's one of the reasons I was at the doctor's.

I'm on antibiotics now though, so hopefully I start to feel better soon, my energy levels start to come back up, but I appreciate you sticking with me for another video. Thumbs this up if you enjoyed, subscribe to join the family and be updated when my next video comes out and as always please tweet me or comment down below with requests for other videos you'd like to see.

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