Steve Harvey Roasts the NFL's Elite in Opening Monologue

All right how are we doing tonight oh that was good I thought I was gonna have to talk to y'all that was gonna do that again are y'all doing tonight welcome to the eighth

annual fail honors this is a prestigious award we give out prestigious awards to young gifted viral well-built chisel still got your stomach shoulders abs let's we

give you awards because we already know you ain't been given enough stuff in your life so here comes some mode now listen to me it's a lot of stars in here tonight I was

out on the red carpet I was walking around i've just seen some people here man y'all boys i'm a fan for jim brown is here do you know who that is that's damn jim brown

that's the bad I seen some people myself so brett farr backstage ray lewis ray in the house that damn primetime boy now hangover letters to me tonight I want you to

understand something i'm excited about being here man i've been wanting to do this show for a long time what took y'all so long to ask me to host a show y'all have

skipped all around me set up here your hair set my eyes hosting this show seth you had coding o'brien hosting the show you didn't pick the everybody but you boy i've been

a fan of y'all look at me don't sit here and act like you don't know me you grew up watching me everybody in your family watch family see you gonna take your damn time picking

me the head alex baldwin do the show three times picked all these people don't even look like they are athlete look at me I look like I could have played seth meyers if

you don't set for football he don't look like he'd catch a football but you've been dancing around on you boy i'm glad you called me cuz i'm here and we gonna have a good time

tonight you gonna have a good time listen to me I need your attention because we will have to do this a little bit different I want energy from you reason i'm I asked for

energy it's cause y'all normally do people down here and the people upstairs know how to do it but y'all athletes see that right there did you see that she did man what

are y'all clap downhill soon as I say that everybody up that trap cuz they know how to clap for people you don't know how to clap for people because you've been creating

crap flow your whole damn life they've been tapping for your peewee football baby boo my babies roaring so fast I want y'all to clap clap for each other tonight

you're here to celebrate each other man here's some great ball is in this room tonight we want to celebrate each other so when I bring you up give them some love

clap I want that same excitement you gonna have tonight and tomorrow at strip club same some of y'all they laughing cuz of who you sit next to so we go practice this is

the hand clap I want you to practice this is a very familiar thing you may not go anymore but you've been there it starts like this and then you speed it up so

that's all I want you to do when it's time for you to clap we're gonna call that to make it rain hand clap I want you to get into it tonight give each other something

back what's up boy i'm just looking around here joe neighbor joe willie namath thank you love boy do you know what you mean to me you reinforce the idea that I want it

to be a pill you want a super bowl in a fur coat i'm too good at this I can't believe y'all just had me come here i'm so excited here man we gonna we gonna have a good time

night i'm gonna make fun of nobody I just want you to laugh enjoy yourself i'm smart guy don't make 400 300-pound people that could run a 40 and under fo5 I don't make fun

of people who could whip my ass I really don't i've been around a long time I don't want you to act cool tonight take that off the table chill but don't act cool

we've seen all of you in spandex and your hair tired up hard to look cool with your hair tired up if you tie your hair up to play football you don't look cool I just want to

say that once again not a lot of laughs on that because of who you sitting next to it now i've done something fellas that most of you have never done all of you carrot

players have not done what i've done some of you former players are not old enough to have done what i've done I have seen all 52 super bowls i've seen every last one i'm

62 years old I know you can't tell I know I know if you're looking here caught for the swag on you dripping so cold i've seen all the super bowls I watched everybody all

of us are in here tonight because of one person tom brady if tom brady wasn't living y'all could be in a super bowl the only way I see us getting in the super bowl and I

don't know why you ain't thought of it all this money in this room y'all ii thought of pooling y'all money together having him killed that tighten y'all up a little bit

you ain't thought about it hell I have i'm tired of tom brady in super bowl every day i'm gil if he wasn't here we could be in the superbowl other super bowl stars

are here last time I saw a championship game i'm from cleveland jim brown was in the championship game 1964 I saw that game when I got it sitting on the

float watching me that's the last time we had a championship in please wayne you seen nothing sense and this is black history so let's have a little black history moment

shout out to all the quarterbacks that started in the nfl five quarterbacks that were african american descent started in the playoffs I just found out it was

five I thought it was folk patrick mahone took his helmet off let me give you a little history 1993 african-american quarterback named charlie ward received the highest

award in college football the best college football player he played quarterback for florida state he won the heisman trophy where did he go after that the new york knicks

cause dayton draft black quarterbacks back there but now they do and that right there is black history it ain't funny what is black history one thing we want

to talk to you all about our celebrations I like celebrations I like touchdown celebrations what I don't like is unworthy celebrations the nba got away if you see if you

dunk and ain't nobody on you but you dunk and you lay your six nine you got an 8 foot wingspan so what you done yes only had to jump six inches that don't call for that

here's the thing or what y'all doing i'm okay with the touchdown celebrations what i'm not okay with is the first down celebration it's the smallest accomplishment in

football it's just ten yards that's here to the microphone now you make a first down now you spit in the football now we gotta wait till the damn ball stop spinning your it's

ten yards get your punk ass down there to the end zone last thing I am a die-hard cleveland browns fan I was raised in cleveland ohio it's been hard lord jesus knows it's

been hard two years in a row one win but this year something happened we got this wide receiver named jarvis landry this boy came up right in front of jim brown

jarvis landry came and change an attitude mitchell started running that thing for the cleveland browns is in y'all's back right now we are on our way but the big reason is

that damn baker may seal that's my man right there I love a great field I like the fact that he he dance he got attitude got swagger and he got two black names baker

mayfield that's neither baker's nephew and curtis mayfield pale colors think of me I have a problem right now because i'm thirsty my mouth so dry right now i'm wearing

this well i'm trying to locate spit right now you don't hey my wife you see me don't you oh you got anything for me any lip gloss what I need oh there is something I

should have asked for this earlier I even cut the baker mayfield joke short because I was dry see when you got large lips you have to provide constant moisture over you

can laugh at that that ain't racial these is my lips i've had these lips my entire life this ain't nothing new they were the same science when I was 8 so i'm not

really trippin we are here to have a good time tonight I just want y'all to know that it's all retarded relax come on I listen to the only real i'm a huge fan of

football I really am I appreciate the game y'all play it's the best game in the world I love y'all thank y'all for coming y'all ready have a good time see ya

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